Sometimes I wish I could be refined...

but life's less fun that way, right?
I hope so, 'cause judging by every photo ever taken of me, it's something that I'll never be. Ever.

It's been a long time again. I have no excuse...
...just haven't felt like writing anything in a while, I will soon. Hopefully.

To the person who is forcing me to let them read this- you're wasting your time!! One day I want to write things as they are in my mind, but I don't seem to be able to do that yet.

:)

you take the fun out of me,

you take the fun out of me

i'm just a skeleton...

Time to write again, it's been too long, and I hate that.
What I've been feeling lately more than anything is scared. Scared of loss, inadequacy, emotion, myself. I find myself more and more involved in just my own issues, oblivious to all else. I'm sad because he's gone, and I miss him, and it's hard; but I don't see why it has to make me such a hateful person. I need to open my eyes a bit more. The season changing seems to reflect everything at the moment...

We Are Your Friends

You'll Never Be Alone Again
This weekend, in simple terms, has been pretty awesome. Back to old times with the originals, no excessive drinking or extreme acts, just being able to talk and laugh is enough. I love my friends. Aside from that, pretty much decided i love autumn. I don't know if I should be concerned at the extent to which dog-walking with lovely boy in a sunny orchard makes me happy... In fact I don't care if it makes us sound like an old married couple, I love it when simple things turn out the best, and having more time the last few days has been really good.
Back to mondays though... ignoring the pain of having to get up at a stupid time, I really don't mind them that much. Someone always manages to make me laugh somehow, even if it ends up involving a lot of chafing in the process. Stressful times coming, but it could be worse.
This isn't very insightful at all, someday soon i'll write something with actual content, maybe.
:)

You've Hit Your One Wall, Now Find A Way Round

no you can't run away, no you can't run away.

Cocktail of emotions going on here to be honest. Cliched but the morning after the night before turned out to be a bit of a catastrophe. The whole teen party scene is a bit of an accident waiting to happen, but people drink themselves into destruction knowing that drama is lingering nearby, tempting fate, so why does it appear as such a shock afterwards?
Normally it's our friends that get us through the problem patches, but I'm carrying out my normal routine, trying not to get involved, watching people I love fall apart over what could be such a small and insignificant thing. It's not the first time something like this has happened, and it won't be the last... but somehow things get blown out of proportion, people refuse to see things from a different perspective, or without the blurred vision of someone in lust, or anger.
I don't mean to be pesssimistic, I don't enjoy it. The future is somehow a lot closer now school's started up again with university choices and all that jazz. At the same time I feel I should be ridiculously happy, I am, but difficult times are coming, and the onset of difficult times is an unwelcome visitor that always seems to interrupt the moments of ecstasy. In a way it makes everything more real, I tend to think good things can never last or be entirely perfect. Bittersweet, but I'll find a way through, and I know i'll never really be alone, even if I think I deserve to be.
:)

Yez

I just spent my morning making little butterfly cakes for absolutely no reason other than I felt like it , and having made them got annoyed with any family member who attempted to eat one. I think I preferred looking at them... they are quite pretty..but don't last.
The half shade darker I managed to tan selective parts of myself on holiday is also fading... like summer, which I apparently missed. Why is it so dark at the moment? I'm refusing to believe it's autumn yet though, despite everyone telling me it is...
Anyway, I know I should be writing my personal statement instead of this right now... but I really really don't want to. University still scares me, there's no way I'm ready. Back to year seven anyone? Or even better... primary school... I miss playtime.

It's been a while...

...but i'm back :)
I'll excuse the lack of writing with the fact that I've been out of the country, to the crazy land of France where internet is apparently hard to come by, and difficult to use.
So anyway, I have returned! It feels good to be back... and quite a lot has happened. The biggest event probably being results day for anyone lucky enough to be going through the A-level experience. It seems overly dramatic that the whole future for some people rests on that one day, whether it's good or bad. I find myself willing everything to be ok, making stupid bets with myself that if I think hard enough it will turn out ok, despire being painfully aware it was already final weeks before. Predetermined? I still haven't decided if I believe in fate, and it's not that I think it's a stupid idea; I would happily believe in the philosophy of disney films if I could, but I have so many thoughts relating to the idea of fate that I find it too confusing to make sense of and ideas conflict. The same with coincidence, I know coincidence is real... but at the same time I don't disbelieve that there is more to life than mere coincidence. I think I need to hire someone to make sense of my own thoughts...
It's past my bedtime, I'm probably nonsensical and delirious.
More soon
:)

Still we keep on fighting

I was rejected today.
My blood was anyway. One pricked finger and a blood sample to tell me I was too anaemic to donate. I feel fine, but now some guy in a lab gets the excitement of examining a small container of dark red liquid from my arm, and I get to keep a pint more of myself than I really wanted.
I was thinking about morals, altruism, when I was waiting there today. It's never black and white, you can't define someone by one singular act, just as it isn't possible to understand anyone's motivation for giving their blood to a stranger. If donation is motivated by a desire to feel like a good person, is it selfless? I don't think it matters, maybe I've been watching too much doctor who, but I do love humans.
Other than me.
you let yourself go, and killed him 'cause it's beautiful to watch
I've realised how much this applies to me, my addiction to drama controls my thoughts, especially when there's nothing wrong.
Nostalgia for disaster...
:)

Day 2?

I just had a thought about whether I consciously change the way I write to appear as I want someone else to see me. If so, why do I still not like the idea of someone reading what I write? Won't stop me anyway...
So I'm pretty tired, so going to make this short, don't even have anything I particularly want to say. I'll be back soon. :)

Everybody dance now.

I'm currently experiencing the strange sensation of my head tingling, it's butterflies for the brain, almost excitement but not quite over the line and into the nice category. I think this is caused by half reluctance to start blogging, half impatience to write. I've finally brought myself to click create after concluding that good old-fashioned pen and paper proves far too elusive for me to collate my thoughts regularly in the mess that I call my room, also hoping that the motivation of non-existant readers will encourage me to write more. I apologise to anyone who does decide to subject themselves to my ramblings, similar minds understand one another and therefore anyone who isn't mildly insane will most likely find this blog a slight waste of time...
Thoughts make sense in my head, somehow on their journey from mind to blog they come out much more muddled, and I read back finding myself sounding like a pretentious twat, to be honest!
So anyway, introductions, potential reader... And I will try my hardest not to get distracted by the fairly ominous thunder I can hear in the distance, which I'm hoping will make trying to sleep tonight a less painfully humid experience. I get distracted easily...
I think I'm fairly normal, I've been told otherwise by those who know me. I think this is a result of me rarely thinking before I say anything. You know you're not completely sane when you're laughing hysterically and singing along to a pot noodle ad. I vary between extremes of being quite quiet and annoyingly loud. Mostly I avoid displaying negative emotions in front of anyone, even my nearest and dearest, which results in me using humour as a defence rather than talking about anything I'm finding difficult, unless the matter in question is something I can laugh about. When I write I will always endeavour to be honest about my experiences (hahaha that sounds so melodramatic!), but I believe in writing for the purpose of either information or entertainment, and as there is not much useful knowledge to be gained from reading about my thoughts, I'll settle for the latter, though I am aware that in the majority of cases only I find myself amusing. It's a bad habit I've gotten into, along with laughing at inappropriate moments. I'm just that kind of girl... I'll never be capable of dignity, and I accept it. Life is more fun lived without those kind of constraints, or maybe that's something I've convinced myself of...
I've got some pretty awesome friends, everyone says it but they really do make my life and I love them to bits. Family is a bit strange for me, having lost my mum suddenly 3 years ago now things do get weird, and much as I love them escapism through reading/writing and mainly just chillaxing with my friends having fun keeps me sane. ish. Listening to music is another escape sometimes, I wish I could write lyrics like some people I know but I don't seem to have it in me. This last year has been a bit crazy, people have changed, everyone's grown up a little bit, and things have happened that I'm not proud of but I'm going to blame good old youth. Like anyone I love to laugh, even at my own expense.
I do believe in God, and while I would call myself a Christian that's a pretty broad term as I struggle with various concepts, and find myself questioning a lot of things. There are good days and bad as with everything, and again my friends, a few in particular, prove amazing whenever I have a question, aside from the joy I know we all feel after a good intellectual discussion.
Boys... sometimes frustrate me. I habitually "like" the wrong people, still using vague terminology on this subject rather than the much more romantic "fall for" or even just "have feelings", I'm much too immature. Mostly the word "fancy" is much more appropriate, a result of wonderful teenage hormones, or whoremones as I sometimes think they would be better termed. Drunk encounters and regrets have been a frequent feature previously, as well as just making the wrong choices. I've never had my heart broken but it's taken quite a battering. Over the last year I've been really hung up over one guy who with hindsight I can see really wasn't good for me. At the time things were much more complicated, like I said, my hormones seem to have a mind of their own, I get high on the rush from being near someone I like "in that way". For once it wasn't a case of unrequited emotion (happens far too often for my liking), and being friends already things got complicated, then realising you want different things is always a downer. Sadly alcohol on several occasions decided this wasn't a problem, and while I've never done anything anyone would consider particularly shocking, I ended up in a bigger mess at the end of it all. Making hate lists with your best friend is a damn good cure for getting over someone, trust me.
I've been lucky enough to find someone else, who is amazing, we've been together only two months but at the moment I'm pretty damn happy, and don't want the ride to stop just yet (that was not an intended innuendo).
I think that's enough about me for one night, if anyone did manage to work their way through that monstrosity I'm terribly sorry, you won't have acheived anything. :)

If you were wondering, the title bears no relevance to the content, I'm just random like that, see.